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Reprinted by kind permission of The Essex Archeaologist

15th August 2020

Ancient Artefacts Are A Bone Of Contention

By Fiona Relish

Villagers in picturesque Finchingfield are up in arms over the latest attempt by local eccentrics Cult of Ffynche to locate a legendary treasure.

The search for the alleged ‘sacred horde’ is now centred on the village pond, angering residents. 'It’s a disgrace' said a local man, who wished to remain anonymous, 'these nut jobs with their imbecilic rituals are ruining the place. They drain the pond, bring in a digger then ship off to the pub for the rest of the day!'

Tea shop owner Passionata Figgishaw agrees: 'The Cult has friends in high places. They just do what they like. It’s not like they’re looking for treasure- it’s just a load of old bones isn’t it?' 

Experts differ on the historical value of any artefacts, but Cult spokesperson Sally Spatchcock has no doubts. 'We’ve had a team researching the Sacred Horde and its location for the past 10 years. Ancient texts reveal it to be the remains of the first High Pope’s cat, who was interred with full Cult regalia and his master’s personal nadger belt, so it’s obviously of great historical significance!'

Cult of Ffynche spokesperson Sally Spatchcock

Several residents declined to comment, as local archivist Ms Lily Tiddles explained 'If you live in Finchingfield, you live with the Cult. Best just to let ‘em get on with it'

The work is expected to last for at least 3 weeks

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