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EYESIGHT

Many Government Ministers believe that the best way to test your eyesight is to go to your car, insert a small child and a wife (anyone’s will do), and drive at least 30 miles to a nearby tourist attraction. But we’d prefer them to leave the car and relatives behind, and, if they must, visit the Oval cricket ground and attempt dodging the bowling machine for at least an hour on the Jofra Archer setting.

PANDEMIC

When a deadly virus is spreading across the nation, make sure to exercise yourself regularly by throwing your mask in a bin, and screaming loudly at passing strangers the following words: 'Rona’s gone, why aren’t you back to work?!'

Cult of Ffynche health experts encourage the use of a mask during global pandemics. Any reasonable facsimile of Madonna’s bra cup will do

BACKACHE

Gingerly attempt the Skulk Ritual in a tightened nadger-belt. The pain in the nadger department can help to disguise and distract from the awful spasms we know only too well.

FUNGAL INFECTIONS

 

Remember that the skin of the common mushroom can typically be peeled off as part of a correct assessment. If you think you have athlete’s foot, don’t put it in your mouth.

NADGER'S ELBOW

Nadger’s Elbow is caused by continual tautening of the nadger restraints. This can lead to headaches, nausea and bouts of extreme flatulence.

Modern nadger belts are of course equipped with torque buckles which prevent this complaint.

Editor's note: The Nadger Belt 5T is now available from the Cultshop

HAIR LOSS

 

Centuries of experimentation with wigs, toupes, implants, cranium painting and stallion pee can certainly give the ageing man the ability to look like a narcissistic imbecile. This is most certainly to be encouraged as a means for their easy identification and avoidance.

Cranium painters -- they’re not fooling anyone.

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