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The E.M.P: Bogged down in Beaver Valley

Our initiates have already displayed the immense vim and vigour required to excel in Ritual discipline. Candidates report no unprotected head-banging, and none have been found too sensible, or scored too highly in tests for competence. Cult Elders (themselves utterly devoid of rational thought - Ed) are thus satisfied that these applicants need endure only a modicum of further pain to achieve full inauguration.


As you’re aware, Ritual Instruments are 'most sanctimoniously bestowed', hung or draped over loudspeakers when a musical submission is received. If the Cult relics fail to resonate at the correct contra-punctual intensity, sonic quality improvements are still necessary. 


So, it’s not through a lack of effort or skill at music-making that these recordings must remain on the initiates page. Rather, in order to shelter in the warm embrace of MarlowePhone's artistic stable and make Mrs Tiddles’ ancient garter-clasps thrum, performers must record under full Extrudo Ffydelity conditions.


The classic MarlowePhone sound - featuring the faint echo of goats - requires artists to attend Worp Studio One in person. The demo tapes provided here were committed to posterity under the limitations of the goat-drawn Extrudo Mini-Porta, but nevertheless show great promise. The EMP recordings also clearly lack the full MarlowePhone earthing requirement — achieved by placing one foot in a bucket of water while the opposite hand clasps a Skulkman umbrella -- regardless of any additional fretting or fingering requirements by the hand in question. (Applicants are made aware that inserting the umbrella handle into an orifice for the sake of convenience still tends to trigger an underlying low-potential voltage leak.)


Our intention is to get proper MarlowePhone recordings committed to cotton or sisal Extrudo thread as soon as possible, when full initiation will be complete. We also hope to overcome performers’ reluctance to spend time training goats to learn suitable BVs, or to accept spoons, kazoo or tuba accompaniment in the rendering of particularly sentimental material -- as is the producer’s firm and indisputable recommendation for mawkish pop success.


Birdman seeks Affiliate status for the Cult of Llond, of which he is the sole member. As such, the burdens of leadership combined with blind obedience to his own autocracy has led to the CoL’s regrettable reputation for misadventure.

However, the Cult of Fynche accept that Birdman’s actions have always been well intentioned; no animals were harmed in the experiment; and the barn in

question was due for demolition in any case. We hope that our own code of conduct - Cultus Moribus - will provide suitable boundaries

within which this passionate ornithologist may flourish. Recording Birdman proved tricky and was only achieved by dragging the EMP assembly along a

row of felled tree trunks to his wildlife hide on the banks of Beaver Valley, the boggy terrain being unsuitable for goats.


It was worth the effort: Birdman’s dedication to Ritual disciplines is already legendary, albeit somewhat unfocused. In fact the more he dedicates, the less able he is to focus. Respect.

The Bordellination Ritual will provide a stern challenge and will be conducted under the auspices of the High Pope himself. Fermentation should follow naturally.

Early Morning Rain
00:00 / 03:34
Seven Curses
00:00 / 03:56

Bubbles O’Keefe

The former compost whisperer was once implicated in the infamous ‘Speed Wort’ scandal of 1968 after being found in possession of a phial of Benzemycodrene, but the drug was subsequently discovered to have been planted by a rival sports composter.


O’Keefe was also once accused of drinking lager on a warm day - a crime that would automatically debar him for Cult entry. The subsequent stewards' enquiry revealed the beverage to have been a fine but frisky blonde ale, only recently tapped, and suffering from the agitation of several falls from the dray while smuggled across the county line from Suffolk. Hence Bubbles enters the Initiates arena without a stain on his character. Indeed, his exposure of the vulgarity of Cult of Bard artefacts during his recent bin-end sale on the Beige Web endears him to us enormously.


Repercussions always follow when shoddy Bardish tat is dragged into the stark sunlight of truth, and O’Keefe has been obliged to endure an enforced year-long exile in Hampshire (another county, apparently) to escape the traditional Bardist retribution: a 24-hour poetry monologue in some effete cafe environment surrounded by sickeningly bucolic watercolours. Bardists are without mercy.


Hence these recordings were made in the dead of night in a secret location using the EMP, such is Bubbles’ fear of that awful fate. We hope to entice him back to the sanctuary of the Cult bosom as soon as possible, where he’ll face the dreaded Persecution Ritual. We hope he survives the ordeal and reaches full Fermentation after.

The Band Played Waltzing Matilda
00:00 / 06:04
Just As Well
00:00 / 01:42

Maurice ‘Wheelnut’ Clinker

Maurice Clinker, whose fabulous exposition of the costume sashay on fancy dress night still haunts us all, here makes his fourth application for Cult induction.

Known to his friends as Wheelnut, his first, aged 11, ended in concussion after shed banging with inappropriate headgear: to wit, a wooly hat: no bobble. His second, aged 37, ended in concussion and a poorly toe after a ‘hidden’ wire snapped during his clearly discernible levitation attempt. His third, aged 52, ended in concussion and a broken collarbone after an ill-advised invertibration in the Lion car park.

As you can see, Wheelnut is perfect Cult material and his never-say-die attitude and cheery disposition also champion his cause. The Cult value such qualities and are thus predisposed to provide safety headgear for this latest attempt, whilst Wheelnut himself has been annointing his noggin for several weeks with a tincture of vinegar and mycocosmic wort. We have no idea why.

He felt most comfortable performing in the back seat of his vintage car, but we couldn’t eliminate the sound of springs and leather squeaks under studio conditions. His psychological attachment to 1950s sprung automotive upholstery is an issue we hope to surmount. Hence his recordings were made in The Lion, after the bay window was removed to provide access for the EMP.


Wheelnut faces the tricky Intermodulation Ritual Challenge and of course the obligatory Fermentation Ritual.

Can't Help Falling in Love
00:00 / 02:36
Help Me Make It Thru The Night
00:00 / 02:50

Stumpy Acapella

You might surmise from his moniker that Stumpy is somewhat accident prone. You’d be right. After all, before the morning when he’d set off to take a chainsaw to that low hanging branch ‘once and for all’ he’d simply been known as Kevin. 

So when we approached him about the possibility of recording for MarlowePhone, we were under no illusion that the enterprise would be fraught with the potential for mishap - and so it proved. Having got himself lost repeatedly while navigating the passages underneath the Lion towards the soundproofed studio booths, he kept missing his slot in the busy recording schedule. When he finally turned up on time for a session, he arrived fully Skulked and unable to perform. After repeated bookings ended with a similar result, we reluctantly took the EMP to his vast allotment, setting up in the largest of several garden sheds. Had we known Stumpy was responsible for its construction, we would never have hung the monitors on the ‘wall’.

Recording in the open air was a novel experience, but eventually got underway. However, Stumpy failed to master the subtleties of relaxed breathing during the winding of

ExtrudoSound thread around his naked torso to ensure adequate reverb when laying down vocals. His screams were heard for miles around. The session was abandoned and the recordings destroyed for humanitarian reasons.


Hence to date we have half a song recorded in the Lion on Ritual Night. We will persevere, convinced of Stumpy’s qualities. The Sedimentation Ritual will precede Fermentation, as it so often does.

Too Roo Loo La La
00:00 / 01:43

Do you aspire to Cult status? Send your musical submission to or better still, talk to us in the pub. Please note: songs of a namby-pamby nature or with suspiciously Bardist resonances will not be allowed to seep into the hallowed ExtrudoVault of Cult repertoire

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