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Cult Services

Welcome to Cult Services where you can peruse a veritable plethora of labour intensive or mentally challenging acts perfect for those occasions where you need Cult like inspiration in ways of raising finances or undertaking menial tasks.

All services involve bespoke challenging rituals for you to undertake in your own leisure time.

Cult Coin

The global financial system is heading towards a meltdown. 

 

The combined national debt of the major developed world has hit unprecedented levels.

 

Now you can choose to take your hard-earned cash and store it in Cult Coin.


 

Cult entrepreneur, Toby Fastbuck, has mined into the blockchain network and has uncovered the secret of Private Key concealment. Thus access to circa $20 billion of lost Bitcoin funds gives Cult Coin investors a chance to acquire immense wealth and status.

 

CultCoin differs from other cryptocurrencies by not only accessing lost bitcoins but by storing the redistribution of these on a private ledger owned by Cult elders and safely stored in a locked waterproof tin box somewhere in the River Pant.
 
To gain access to Cult Coin simply find 2 associates, wait until a full moon and form a human pyramid under the Finchingfield bridge, a Cult member will then be able to further assist you.


 

Cult Bonds

For investors unfamiliar with cryptocurrency - CultBonds are a traditional security offering a fixed return.

 

Reduced denominations for younger family members are available as gifts.

 

Help to secure your children’s future!

Simply fill out the below form below in triplicate, ensuring that the third copy is authenticated and countersigned by your nearest neighbour who owns their own house.

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Cult Beaver Milking

Charles Boffer Spatchcock paid off his travelling and gambling debts by learning how to milk snakes to extract their venom to help create the required anti-venom. He passed on his knowledge in the regular Monday evenings he would host in Finchingfield Village Hall in between the lawn-bowls and table tennis.

 

With a lack of poisonous snakes in the vicinity but with the recent introduction of Beavers the Cult have taken up the lucrative work of Beaver Milking. A yellowish secretion called castoreum is extracted from the animals’ scent-laying anal glands and can be mixed into perfumes and can act as a flavour alternative to vanilla beans.

 

 

Whilst the gland gravy is typically collected after skinning the beaver and drying out its scent sacs over burning wood, Finchingfield only has four beavers so the Cult have had to dig deep into the learning from Boffer to be able to do this in a more humane and respectful way to prevent local beaver genocide. More time is spent putting the beaver at ease to help it offer its backside juice in a more giving and respectful fashion. 

 

Sign up for Beaver milk extraction lessons with the Cult now !

Pond Scuttling

Cult Tours

Cult members can occasionally be convinced to provide tourist tours of Finchingfield and the surrounding areas.

 

Basic package: Tour of Finchingfield Green, observe the war memorial, sit on one of the five available benches.

 

Time taken: Approximately 3 minutes 23 seconds.

 

Cost: Donations welcome, encouraged and generally expected.

 

Advanced package: All of the basic package but also includes the following

extreme sports:

 

1. Snorkelling in the pond and;

2. Shouting at the windmill.

 

Cost: A new pair of waders and Rolex Daytona 6265

Please note you will need to have your PASI (Professional Association of Snorkelling Instructors) level 3 to undertake snorkelling in the village pond, level 4 is required for any further exploration of the River Pant.

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