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Cult Shop

Welcome to the Cult Shop where you can peruse a veritable cornucopia of Cult Merchandise and Memorabilia, perfect for those difficult occasions where birthdays have to be celebrated and gifts are demanded.

Each purchase comes with a bespoke challenging ritual for you to undertake with your friends and family.

Cult Face Masks

Whilst the rest of the world has been struggling to provide masks for their citizens the Cult of Ffynche has been providing Cult members restricted breathing apparatus since 1984. This was the year of the Great Stink of Barfield which wafted, lingered and caused respiratory difficulties for residents.
 
The source of the stench was never quite identified but was subject to much rumour and conjecture especially after the Rt. Hon Jolyon Peabody Brakewynde threw caution to his own title (and surname) by stating that Bardfieldians were simply ‘the great unwashed’

Get your mask now for only £99 + shipping

Cult Bedding

Tired of lying in bed with concern about how to show appreciation of the finer aspects of Cult living? A Cult duvet cover can be the best way to really emphasise the finer parts of Cult life from the comfort of your own bed. 


Perhaps you are like Arnie 'Chucker' Bletherworp, a gadfly? Unafraid of bringing others back to his living abode he would often finish his mating ritual by hiding under his Cult endorsed duvet set and shouting obscenities into the pillow. Be like Arnie..!

The duvet is only available in monthly installments of £36.85 for 24 months due to its considerable demand and labour intensive production methods.

Cult T-Shirts

Every T-shirt is designed and made in Essex—mostly in Steeple Bumpstead and the neighbouring Helions Bumpstead. Staff are paid a wage that is 20 per cent less than the market average leading to a ‘throw-away’ quality that has been noted as difficult to properly emulate by the well known high end designers it seeks to copy.

 

Part of the Cult’s profits from T-Shirts go towards the Cult of Life Foundation, whose raison d’etre is to enhance the cultural life of all villages in Essex (except Great Bardfield). The foundation paid for two new Church roof slates in the medieval hamlet of Lindsell, writes radio plays, supports acoustic concerts and academic lectures, as well as banquets for the certain people who view the Cult favourably. It also resurrects historical monuments in other villages, including the cleaning of an Etruscan arch in Wimbish and the weather proofing of a rubbish bin outside the Co-Op in Castle Hedingham.

Available in S/M/L/XL/XXL/XXXL/Compost Heap

Budget Cult Propaganda Goodies

We understand that not all Cult supporters can afford official Cult merchandise to attach to their face or show off in their bedroom. After the financial crash of 2008 Cult supporters were soon making knock off merchandise in their own bedrooms. To better increase quality control (and ensure that Cult coffers received some sponsored benefit) the Budget Cult Propaganda Goodies line was developed.

Promote healthy Cult living by clinking these hardy Cult tankards with your friends, share a cheeky pint or two, enjoy an inebriation ritual. Buy one tankard for £54.99 or continue the helpful existence of capitalism by taking advantage of economies of scale by buying five for £302.50.

Ever needed to claim something for yourself but have not had an easy way to clearly make or lay your claim on it? What about needing to help raise awareness of your interests in a subtle yet dominating fashion?

Try Cult mini flags to help solve both these very 21st century problems.

Due to a factory mix up we can currently offer excellent prices on these amazingly helpful items, buy one box of 1000 mini flags and get an extra 200 flags for free ! They say the best things in life are free, the second best are expensive - put two fingers up to trite sayings and stick a mini Cult flag in it, 200 extra mini flags for free !

Boxes of mini Cult flags are sold on subscription and directly linked to the current price of bitcoin - please contact us for further details.

Cult Bathrooms

Not all Cult living takes place in the bedroom; occasional trips to the bathroom are required. It was here where he decided on the need for Cult branded materials to be clearly seen from all angles in the bathroom. Eschewing more straightforward approaches such as wallpaper, Silas was always vocal in his appreciation of the power of a shower and so designed and made a Cult classic - the Cult Shower Curtain.

As you will be aware Silas was a hoarder and the one thing he hoarded most was hemp and hence why his death was so predictable. He leaves behind a small mountain of shower curtains made of the stuff that we currently can’t legally sell. However, pictures are available at £9.95 + p+p

Nadger Belt Buffer-Upperer

Those of you who have spent long winter nights buffing your nadger-belts will be pleased to hear of the latest Cult 'must-have' accessory.

Put aside your tiresome and frankly dangerous mains-powered equipment, and rid yourself of the need to dismantle the troublesome trapezoid linkage that tightens your under-thongs.

The Twite Nadger-Belt Buffer-Upperer allows the user to polish the lower girdle flaps in situ, whilst simultaneously working on the ornamental gusset clasp.

Say goodbye to electrical terror

Unlike electrically-driven machinery, operators of the 'NaBBU' system have immediate control if frictional heating or snagging occurs. Gone forever the tremendous pain caused by even a small misalignment when using equipment such as the ostentatiously named Lustre Parfaire designed by Messrs de Courcey-Renoir of Bardfield.

Mr Twite advises us that with his generous Cult discount, members can purchase the NaBBU 'Pellathong' model for £2,999.99. (The 12-month obligatory training, delivered by Mr Twite himself, is a modest £100 per week.)

The acolyte gives a final touch to his gusset clasp, while the upper drive-chain simultaneously chamfers both lateral gooseneck protectors

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