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Reprinted by kind permission of The North Essex Examiner


24th October 2020


Bridge Over Troubled Water


By Fiona Relish


Graffiti Artist Strikes!

Vandals have targeted the iconic landmark bridge at the heart of Finchingfield. On Wednesday 14th October 2020 at approximately 11.30pm, person or persons unknown were chased from the scene having defaced the brickwork with spray paint.

The target of the artist’s ire appears to be Alderman Ernest Throbwhistle OBE, a local entrepreneur, politician and multiple bankrupt recently subject to scrutiny by the government’s Public Accounts Committee after alleged fraud and theft from several pension funds. The allegations were unsubstantiated and no charges were brought.


Alderman Throbwhistle spoke to me by telephone, keen to quash the rumours that he’d fled to a Caribbean hideaway before the start of lockdown. 'I’m in a secret location' he said 'but I can assure you it’s a million miles from Jamaica'. He refused to comment on the public display of anger in Finchingfield, saying only 'I’ll sort it when I get back. I’ve been trapped here since the first lockdown. It’s been a living hell. Anyway must dash — the pips are going'.


Throbwhistle is rumoured to have strong ties with the mysterious Cult of Ffynche, an organisation shrouded in secrecy that few in this village are willing to discuss. However, local businesswoman Passionata Figgishaw has no such reservations. 'I’m not surprised people are angry' she said 'Throbwhistle is a charlatan with no moral compass whatsoever - and he’s at the centre of all these Cult shenanigans. Honestly -- I dread Wednesday nights. One never knows what’s going to happen'.


The Cult of Ffynche offered the following statement:


'We are not in a position to confirm or deny any association with Mr. Throbwhistle. We are aware, of course, that he recently won his tenth term as alderman with a 93 percent share of the vote -- and we support the democratic will of the people. 


Regarding the act of mischief on the bridge, the Cult rejects all forms of illiterate vandalism and has worked with probation agencies from around the world to help reform and educate those witless souls caught in the crime of public misspelling'.

This is not the first time this picture postcard village has been subject to targeted vandalism. In 1961 protesters daubed slogans on walls and on the bridge itself in support of anti-nuclear demonstrators marching en masse to nearby RAF Wethersfield. 


Police continue their enquiries and ask the public to come forward with any information regarding this latest incident. Contact PC Dave Throbwhistle on 07003 264523

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